In the News . . .

" . . . science center was broken into, allegedly by a team of up to four perpetrators. Only four pieces of the "Curse of the Mummy" exhibit were stolen: An ancient ceremonial blade depicting an eye of Horus, and three of the four canopic jars. The canopic jars stolen depicted the gods Hapi, Imseti, and Qebehsenuef. A fourth canopic jar, depicting Duamutef, was disturbed, but remained on scene.

It's surprising that anything was left behind considering the embarrassing response time of our city's police. Likewise, in a typical display of ability, the police have no leads on any suspects. I suppose we should all just be thankful that no one got hurt. Well, aside from the front door guard, Bill Buhblahblahblah, he was bludgeoned into unconsciousness and hospitalized, but who cares? He was old and obese and probably had diabetes or something. What's that? No, Diane, I am a grown man and can drink when I want to, because this show needs a star and that bright shining star is me. This city loves me. If you have a problem with that, I dare you to try and find someone who could fill my position. Now be a good girl, and shorten that skirt and fetch me a tom collins, or a highball.

And, now for sports this week we go over to . . . "

::So that there's no confusion, this is a post as a staff member, not as my character::

". . . and here's a weird one for you, local man Michael Carmichael died today from spontaneous lung dissolution. Carmichael was out celebrating, according to Linda Bean, an acquaintance of Carmichael's who wishes to remain nameless, and took his lady to a fancy restaurant. An altercation arose when Carmichael decided to start smoking a cigar. The manager ended up having to get involved, and entered a heated shouting match with Carmichael. The argument was ended suddenly, when Carmichael began coughing and spewing forth blood and potentially organ meat. Pronounced Dead at the Scene, Carmichael's autopsy found no reason for the event as there was no sign of Carmichael's lungs. Of course, we are talking about the officials who work with our police force, so they probably can't tell their assholes from their elbows.

And now the week in sports, with . . . "

" . . . oh, and talk about your bonehead moves! Did you hear about this story? Local man Patrick Fitzgerald gets alcohol poisoning from one drink! Hard to imagine. Apparently the reason Fitzgerald is such a teetotaler is: he has no liver. What a thing to forget when you go to the bar, right, Diane?  Ha, ha! Ah, he died before reaching the hospital.

And now, for Sports, we go to . . . "